Life after a failed IVF

We always knew that the chances were very small, even more when our doctor said I was a low responder and not only did I not produce more eggs than it was expected but also my little angels-embryos had a late development during fertilization. Even when you know, you keep hoping and praying for yourself that you will be one of those exceptions or happy end stories. Well, we were not, and it hurts.

My period has been crazy. I started spotting on Wednesday (26^th Sept.) and then next day nothing. Friday it came back again, now with lots of cramps and lower back pain. The cramps are way worse, they come in waves and I can feel all the muscles contracting like a cramp in your leg when you’re swimming or something…  For the last four days I have a very light spotting and not much pain. Another strange fact is that my temperatures are way up. Friday (98.3F), Saturday (98.1F) and Tuesday (97.8F). I believe this is why my period is like undecided on whether come or not, usually my temperatures fall to 96.9 – 97.1 on the first day of my cycle. The doctor said that it will take at least one cycle for my body come back to normal. 

On Sunday I had a meltdown. As every other couple, my husband and I have issues that we can never resolve, and every time we have to face them we have a fight. Sunday, however, it was blown up way out of proportion.  He didn’t behave like an understanding husband and I got really mad and then (as it usually happens with us) he got mad at me because I was mad. He has this conception where I have to contain myself just so he doesn't get angry. I realize it was one of those lose-lose situations and when we got home I took some stuff and I was ready to spend the night at a friend’s house. I am sure it would have been ok the next day, if he didn’t have threatened me that I couldn’t come back if I left and then took my car keys away when I was ready to leave anyways.

When I get nervous I get into a crazy spiral. I get mad, stressed, nervous, really nervous and then hysteric. We both know that and usually he takes a step back and leave me alone or I take a step back and leave the situation for a while so we can talk it out when we are cool and calm. That did not happen. I couldn’t leave and I got hysteric, I threw up twice and I had difficulties breathing. He got nervous seeing me this way and got himself into a crazy frenzy of kicking stuff around the house. He is usually not like this, that's why I know this infertility stuff is probably affecting him more than I could imagine.

Now we are sleeping in different rooms, we don’t talk to each other. I can’t stop crying, I feel I can’t breathe all the time, my chest hurts... Though, I understand we are both going through a crazy thing, I am still very disappointed with him. I understand he is as frustrated as I am for having a negative result but he should be aware that being someone’s support take much more than what I have been getting from him. 

Infertility is taking all my dreams away.