Lookind ahead

Is it really almost the end of the year? Is there only two more months in 2012? Time really does fly or is it only me? It has been quite some time that I don’t post. I have been waiting to feel more positive, to be in a better mood. I don’t want to bore or depress my readers. If you seek this subject (infertility, endometriosis) online you probably already have quite few problems of your own. 

My friend Vicente told me once that my blog was very negative. He said, "I just read the first two sentences - title and subtitle, I guess - and just saw negative words". He is really into “intenSati” lifestyle and he’s learning lots about being more of a positive person ever since he started. I cannot change the circumstances of my life, and my life is a bit sad and negative, but I can change the dark scheme of colors and the wording of this page. So, if you are a reader of my blog you will notice few differences in the page. 

I might not be able to turn my life around 360 degree but I can also try to learn how to be more positive and relaxed. It sounds a little cheesy and cliché the whole “think positive” thing but it does seem much easier to live focusing in the order of things and not the chaos. Mind and body are in constant balance and I must find that balance.

When I started this blog my objective was to find people that were going through the same, so we could talk and share experiences. I actually have found people I can talk freely and relate to. I also wanted to “find” a way to improve my condition by hearing others experiences and trying things in a less western kind of way. I kind of gave up in all the Alternative Medicine when I started thinking about IVF. I thought it was a quicker solution. Boy was I wrong!? IVF really disturbed not only my mind but also my husband’s. It completely messed up my cycle – I’ve been spotting for more than 2 weeks now. And it is obviously getting in the way of my marriage. 

I decided to stop trying so hard. No doctor seems to find a specific problem with me. Yes, I have endometriosis, yes, I am low responder, yes, I have been trying for almost 3 years, but still haven’t other women with similar issues had their families and moved on. Deep down I know that I am very anxious and stress probably plays a big role in this whole infertility issue. 

I am back to Acupuncture. This time I found a new place with a Korean practitioner that have been doing it for more than 30 years and have gotten his practice from his father that was also an acupuncture practitioner back in Korea. I feel completely different when I have my consult with Dr. Kim compared to how it was with Bryon Jones. He did insist to see me more times, every week for the first two months. He said that I have lots of stagnation in abdomen area and that qi is not flowing.

Dr. Kim has been trying to help me with my anxiety as well. He applies several needles in my head, forehead, ears and sides of my neck. I count last time there were about 32 needles distributed in my body. Last time I was complaining about insomnia, I suffer of it from time to time. He suggested I meditate for a little bit every day, he showed me how to sit and breathe. To be honest I haven’t started yet, but I have been going to yoga classes. 

Last month I started a yoga classes every Sunday that it is taught by a retired cardiovascular surgeon in a Hindu temple. We meditate and after few ohms I feel like I am going to fly. The days I still feel uneasy and anxious I take a Valerian herbal pill. I am getting back to normal, one day after another. It will take some time but I hope to be feeling like usual or better by Christmas time. I can only change the future, it is time to look ahead and forget the rest.

Life after a failed IVF

We always knew that the chances were very small, even more when our doctor said I was a low responder and not only did I not produce more eggs than it was expected but also my little angels-embryos had a late development during fertilization. Even when you know, you keep hoping and praying for yourself that you will be one of those exceptions or happy end stories. Well, we were not, and it hurts.

My period has been crazy. I started spotting on Wednesday (26^th Sept.) and then next day nothing. Friday it came back again, now with lots of cramps and lower back pain. The cramps are way worse, they come in waves and I can feel all the muscles contracting like a cramp in your leg when you’re swimming or something…  For the last four days I have a very light spotting and not much pain. Another strange fact is that my temperatures are way up. Friday (98.3F), Saturday (98.1F) and Tuesday (97.8F). I believe this is why my period is like undecided on whether come or not, usually my temperatures fall to 96.9 – 97.1 on the first day of my cycle. The doctor said that it will take at least one cycle for my body come back to normal. 

On Sunday I had a meltdown. As every other couple, my husband and I have issues that we can never resolve, and every time we have to face them we have a fight. Sunday, however, it was blown up way out of proportion.  He didn’t behave like an understanding husband and I got really mad and then (as it usually happens with us) he got mad at me because I was mad. He has this conception where I have to contain myself just so he doesn't get angry. I realize it was one of those lose-lose situations and when we got home I took some stuff and I was ready to spend the night at a friend’s house. I am sure it would have been ok the next day, if he didn’t have threatened me that I couldn’t come back if I left and then took my car keys away when I was ready to leave anyways.

When I get nervous I get into a crazy spiral. I get mad, stressed, nervous, really nervous and then hysteric. We both know that and usually he takes a step back and leave me alone or I take a step back and leave the situation for a while so we can talk it out when we are cool and calm. That did not happen. I couldn’t leave and I got hysteric, I threw up twice and I had difficulties breathing. He got nervous seeing me this way and got himself into a crazy frenzy of kicking stuff around the house. He is usually not like this, that's why I know this infertility stuff is probably affecting him more than I could imagine.

Now we are sleeping in different rooms, we don’t talk to each other. I can’t stop crying, I feel I can’t breathe all the time, my chest hurts... Though, I understand we are both going through a crazy thing, I am still very disappointed with him. I understand he is as frustrated as I am for having a negative result but he should be aware that being someone’s support take much more than what I have been getting from him. 

Infertility is taking all my dreams away.