Feeling positive and doubtful

This will be my second cycle on femara. I am excited because it seems that I am responding well with this drug. I had nice developed follicles last cycle, and I am hoping this month I will ovulate on the side of my good tube, so I have a little chance. Also my cycle was very light this month both in flow and pain, I only took one ibuprofen for pain.

Feeling a little doubtful though, seems like most people with tube issues are not able to conceive naturally and I am the living proof of it.

Last week I found out another good friend that was having trouble getting pregnant is 14 weeks along. I am truly happy for her, but I feel like I am being left behind. Even my blog friends are getting along with their life and family, and I am starting to feel a little lonely on this side of the line. I don't talk much with the husband about this issues anymore, don't want him thinking about it...

Let's hope my luck changes this month. It would be the perfect birthday gift.

Back to blocked tubes and high prolactin levels

Hello everybody! I am back again. So we are in Bulgaria trying to get things set into place. We decided to fix our apartment as soon as we got here; I guess we were spoiled in our dreamy house in America.

I am back to a fertility clinic. Avoiding it did not make a difference contrary of what everyone seems to recommend (“not to think about it”). We started all over again, and again I hear the same old dreadful news – endometriosis and blocked fallopian tubes.

I had another HSG and as the doctor pushed the dye there was no fill and spill. Then my doctor decided to push in more solution. I have to say it was really painful, and I can stand pain quite alright compared to few of my friends. My first HSG I barely felt any discomfort but this one was really painful, I almost fainted when I left the table. I was covered in cold sweat and breathing through the pain as he pushed more of the solution. Finally, my right tube filled and there was a spill in the abdomen cavity.

right open fallopian tube, normal uterus deviated to the left

 
Although the right tube is not looking really healthy (it is not as thin as it should be), the doctors had no doubt and said I should be able to get pregnant with this tube. This annoying feeling keeps on telling me that I will have to go down the IVF road again soon, but I don’t want to get anxious over something that hasn’t happened yet. I talked to my doctor about doing IVF again and he said it is not time yet. He said he’s seen many women with the same issues get pregnant naturally.

I started Femara this cycle; My doctor believes it works wonders in Endometriosis patients. Also, my prolactin level is high; it is the third time I get tested and the third time it is over the limits. I am on Dostinex (Cabergoline) for the next 4 weeks. I still have hope that the reason I haven't gotten pregnant yet is a matter of egg quality as a result to endometriosis, high prolactin and maybe bad timing. For now I am working very hard on keeping myself sane.

2013

Let me start by wishing (a very late) happy new year for everybody.

I love when the year starts. It is in fact my favorite holiday. It is time to be wishful and positive about the brand new calendar year that starts. As a Brazilian, we have the tradition of making wishes when the clock turns 12:00 and we dress up with new clothes and we wear colors that have meaning (as white for peace, red for love, etc.).

This year I decided not to wish for anything. I have been wishing the same thing for 3 consecutive new years now and for some reason no force in this universe is granting my wish.

 I do feel hopeful for 2013. This year feels like a true begging of a whole new cycle, I feel like I have grown and learn so much, maybe the Mayans were right after all. We are finally leaving the United States next week and going back to Europe. I can’t complain about our life here but to be honest I am happy to go back. When we came I was so excited. We were newlyweds, I’d finally learn English, finish my bachelor, my husband would finish his master and by the end of our three years here we would go back as a family.

Most of our plans went as planned, except one of course. That’s why I am starting this brand new year with no expectations. It won’t be easy, but this will be my “self-help” exercise in 2013. I never thought I would be so blessed in my life as I am right now. How would I have ever thought I would travel around the world, learn different cultures, meet the love of my life in the other side of the planet and even speak 3 foreign languages daily. I can’t complain of life at all. If there is something still missing it is probably because there are even better days yet to come.

Maca: a natural aphrodisiac that improves fertility

One of the effects of infertility that we don’t talk much about is the influence it has on our libido. Maybe it is just me but ever since we realized we might have fertility issues sex became a reproductive activity and not our special intimate time together. It could also be that the years are taking away our “fever” for each other.

No matter what is the real reason, I think I found the solution to improve sex drive while increasing fertility. In my constant search for herbs that improve fertility and reproductive health I found Maca. I had heard about it before from a friend and then last month I heard it from my husband’s boss.

 

Maca or Lepidium meyenii is a hearty root vegetable belonging to the radish family; it grows in the high Andean plateaus of Peru. It is best known for its ability to enhance fertility and libido.

South Americans even nicknamed it as the “Spanish Viagra”. In Peru they use Maca like a potato for food and drinks.

Health benefits of Maca: 

 • It is a powerful natural aphrodisiac and libido-enhancer that also promotes reproductive health. The journal Plant Science reported that maca increased the sperm count in male test subjects in just 2 weeks!
• It alleviates the symptoms of menopause and PMS. Indian women use it to treat menopausal symptoms, and Peruvian women have used it for years to encourage fertility and treat pre- and post-menstrual problems.
• It boosts energy levels and aids in athletic performance.
• Maca contains glucosinolate and fibers that help prevent certain forms of cancer.
• It promotes mental clarity. Researchers have given maca to students before tests to improve students’ test scores.
• Maca is an adaptogen, it increases the body’s resistance to stress, trauma, anxiety and fatigue.
• It is rich in antioxidants, fatty acids, vitamins, minerals, amino acids and other nutrients that support optimum health and longevity.
• Because of its high iron content, it has been shown to be beneficial for those who suffer from anemia.
• Maca contains terpenoids and saponins which give it the ability to relieve pain, act as expectorant, sedative and analgesic — and even lower cholesterol levels. I have been using it for 3 weeks and I have to say it does increase your libido.

First, let me explain that when I heard about Maca I didn’t know it was a natural aphrodisiac, but after taking it for a week I decided to research. My husband was surprised and I feel like my 20 year old self again. Since the beginning of this year I never felt like having sex. After our failed IVF and then all the fights I didn’t even want to think about sex.

Also I feel more energetic, I don’t feel so lazy and I feel like going to the gym every day. The other side effect that I am not so happy about is that it increases my appetite. I am hungry all the time. I have been going to bed earlier just so I won’t eat more. I got 2 extra pounds already and I am getting a little belly. Well, I am quite skinny so few extra pounds might even help to balance out my hormones.

Acupuncture for infertility

I started going twice per week to the acupuncture last month. Now I am going once per week because it was too heavy in our pockets and also Dr. Kim said that he needs to see more frequently in the beginning of the treatment and then later we can do it every other week.

Obviously I am not pregnant yet but I do feel differences. For example I went to my first acupuncture session right after I knew the IVF hadn't worked.  I was spotting really dark for several weeks and then the next day after the acupuncture my period finally came stronger instead of the constant spotting and I had mild cramps instead of the severe one I usually have. Well, that could also be because of the hormone treatment so I am expecting my next cycle to end to see if the results are consistent.

He places more than 30 needles around my body. I took a picture of my abdomen so you guys can see it. After inserting the needles he has a standing electric heater that he places right above my belly for the first 25 minutes and then comes check all the needles and move the heater to my feet for the next 20 minutes.

I also have needles in my head to treat my anxiety/depression. I think I am still anxious about the whole thing. How do we turn off that overwhelming desire of having a beautiful healthy baby? I am working really hard on that. I have been meditating more, trying to clean my head of thoughts at least once per day and trying to concentrate on the positive things of my life...

Lookind ahead

Is it really almost the end of the year? Is there only two more months in 2012? Time really does fly or is it only me? It has been quite some time that I don’t post. I have been waiting to feel more positive, to be in a better mood. I don’t want to bore or depress my readers. If you seek this subject (infertility, endometriosis) online you probably already have quite few problems of your own. 

My friend Vicente told me once that my blog was very negative. He said, "I just read the first two sentences - title and subtitle, I guess - and just saw negative words". He is really into “intenSati” lifestyle and he’s learning lots about being more of a positive person ever since he started. I cannot change the circumstances of my life, and my life is a bit sad and negative, but I can change the dark scheme of colors and the wording of this page. So, if you are a reader of my blog you will notice few differences in the page. 

I might not be able to turn my life around 360 degree but I can also try to learn how to be more positive and relaxed. It sounds a little cheesy and cliché the whole “think positive” thing but it does seem much easier to live focusing in the order of things and not the chaos. Mind and body are in constant balance and I must find that balance.

When I started this blog my objective was to find people that were going through the same, so we could talk and share experiences. I actually have found people I can talk freely and relate to. I also wanted to “find” a way to improve my condition by hearing others experiences and trying things in a less western kind of way. I kind of gave up in all the Alternative Medicine when I started thinking about IVF. I thought it was a quicker solution. Boy was I wrong!? IVF really disturbed not only my mind but also my husband’s. It completely messed up my cycle – I’ve been spotting for more than 2 weeks now. And it is obviously getting in the way of my marriage. 

I decided to stop trying so hard. No doctor seems to find a specific problem with me. Yes, I have endometriosis, yes, I am low responder, yes, I have been trying for almost 3 years, but still haven’t other women with similar issues had their families and moved on. Deep down I know that I am very anxious and stress probably plays a big role in this whole infertility issue. 

I am back to Acupuncture. This time I found a new place with a Korean practitioner that have been doing it for more than 30 years and have gotten his practice from his father that was also an acupuncture practitioner back in Korea. I feel completely different when I have my consult with Dr. Kim compared to how it was with Bryon Jones. He did insist to see me more times, every week for the first two months. He said that I have lots of stagnation in abdomen area and that qi is not flowing.

Dr. Kim has been trying to help me with my anxiety as well. He applies several needles in my head, forehead, ears and sides of my neck. I count last time there were about 32 needles distributed in my body. Last time I was complaining about insomnia, I suffer of it from time to time. He suggested I meditate for a little bit every day, he showed me how to sit and breathe. To be honest I haven’t started yet, but I have been going to yoga classes. 

Last month I started a yoga classes every Sunday that it is taught by a retired cardiovascular surgeon in a Hindu temple. We meditate and after few ohms I feel like I am going to fly. The days I still feel uneasy and anxious I take a Valerian herbal pill. I am getting back to normal, one day after another. It will take some time but I hope to be feeling like usual or better by Christmas time. I can only change the future, it is time to look ahead and forget the rest.

Life after a failed IVF

We always knew that the chances were very small, even more when our doctor said I was a low responder and not only did I not produce more eggs than it was expected but also my little angels-embryos had a late development during fertilization. Even when you know, you keep hoping and praying for yourself that you will be one of those exceptions or happy end stories. Well, we were not, and it hurts.

My period has been crazy. I started spotting on Wednesday (26^th Sept.) and then next day nothing. Friday it came back again, now with lots of cramps and lower back pain. The cramps are way worse, they come in waves and I can feel all the muscles contracting like a cramp in your leg when you’re swimming or something…  For the last four days I have a very light spotting and not much pain. Another strange fact is that my temperatures are way up. Friday (98.3F), Saturday (98.1F) and Tuesday (97.8F). I believe this is why my period is like undecided on whether come or not, usually my temperatures fall to 96.9 – 97.1 on the first day of my cycle. The doctor said that it will take at least one cycle for my body come back to normal. 

On Sunday I had a meltdown. As every other couple, my husband and I have issues that we can never resolve, and every time we have to face them we have a fight. Sunday, however, it was blown up way out of proportion.  He didn’t behave like an understanding husband and I got really mad and then (as it usually happens with us) he got mad at me because I was mad. He has this conception where I have to contain myself just so he doesn't get angry. I realize it was one of those lose-lose situations and when we got home I took some stuff and I was ready to spend the night at a friend’s house. I am sure it would have been ok the next day, if he didn’t have threatened me that I couldn’t come back if I left and then took my car keys away when I was ready to leave anyways.

When I get nervous I get into a crazy spiral. I get mad, stressed, nervous, really nervous and then hysteric. We both know that and usually he takes a step back and leave me alone or I take a step back and leave the situation for a while so we can talk it out when we are cool and calm. That did not happen. I couldn’t leave and I got hysteric, I threw up twice and I had difficulties breathing. He got nervous seeing me this way and got himself into a crazy frenzy of kicking stuff around the house. He is usually not like this, that's why I know this infertility stuff is probably affecting him more than I could imagine.

Now we are sleeping in different rooms, we don’t talk to each other. I can’t stop crying, I feel I can’t breathe all the time, my chest hurts... Though, I understand we are both going through a crazy thing, I am still very disappointed with him. I understand he is as frustrated as I am for having a negative result but he should be aware that being someone’s support take much more than what I have been getting from him. 

Infertility is taking all my dreams away.